Dealing with covert narcissists can be an eye-opening experience. Unlike their more overt counterparts, covert narcissists are masters of subtle manipulation, often flying under the radar with behaviors that can leave others confused or unsettled. But what exactly makes their behavior so strange? Let’s dive into some weird things covert narcissists do and how to recognize them, even when they’re wearing a mask of humility or self-deprecation.
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
At first glance, a covert narcissist may seem like someone shy, introverted, or even insecure. However, don’t let that fool you. Behind the quiet exterior, a covert narcissist harbors the same grandiose feelings of entitlement as a more overt narcissist, just in a more discreet and passive-aggressive way.
Key Traits of a Covert Narcissist:
- A fragile ego is hidden behind humility.
- Manipulative but in a subtle manner.
- Always in search of admiration but through indirect means.
- They are highly sensitive to criticism, though they may not show it outright.
Understanding these traits is crucial because they form the foundation for the weird things covert narcissists do that can leave people feeling confused and disoriented.
Emotional Manipulation Behind a Soft Exterior
One of the strangest things about covert narcissists is how they emotionally manipulate people without ever raising their voices or making bold moves. Instead, they use indirect methods like guilt-tripping, playing the victim, or giving backhanded compliments to make others feel bad.
- Guilt-Tripping: They excel at making others feel guilty for things they didn’t do or have no control over.
- Playing the Victim: When confronted, they often turn the tables, portraying themselves as misunderstood or mistreated.
- Backhanded Compliments: “You’re so smart; surprisingly, you work here.”
Covert narcissists master these techniques so well that others are often left feeling confused, wondering if they’re being too sensitive or if the narcissist was having an off day.
Always Seeking Validation, But Discreetly
Unlike overt narcissists who crave attention openly, covert narcissists are much more discreet in their quest for admiration. They don’t want to appear like they’re fishing for compliments, but deep down, they yearn for validation just as much as any narcissist.
Some weird things covert narcissists do to gain validation include:
- Self-Deprecation: “I’m just not good enough for this job,” followed by expecting someone to praise them.
- Playing the Martyr: They’ll go out of their way to help others, but only to make others acknowledge how selfless they are.
- Fishing for Compliments: Covert narcissists often make negative remarks about themselves to prompt others to reassure them.
This subtle demand for validation can be exhausting for the people around them, as it often feels like they’re walking on eggshells to keep the narcissist happy.
The Art of the Silent Treatment
Silent treatment is one of the most common tactics used by covert narcissists. What makes it particularly strange is how it’s delivered: with an air of superiority but without any clear reason for why it’s happening. This behavior can be emotionally devastating to those who care about the narcissist.
- Why They Do It: Silent treatment is their way of controlling the situation without having to explain themselves.
- How It Works: They withdraw, leaving the other person confused, hurt, and desperate for answers.
- The Aftermath: Once the person seeks out the covert narcissist, begging for an explanation, the narcissist regains control of the situation, all without saying a word.
This tactic is especially weird because of its passive nature, leaving the victim unsure what went wrong and how to fix it.
Faux Humility: Pretending to Be Modest
One of the weird things covert narcissists do is feigning humility. They often go out of their way to appear modest or self-effacing, but it’s just a front to gain praise or admiration.
- Examples of Faux Humility:
- “I just got lucky with that promotion; I don’t deserve it.”
- “I’m not that great; I don’t know why everyone thinks so highly of me.”
These statements are usually meant to elicit admiration from others. While they pretend to be humble, they’re secretly fishing for compliments. The key difference is that overt narcissists will directly seek praise, whereas covert narcissists prefer it to come unsolicited, making them seem “more genuine.”
Gaslighting with a Gentle Touch
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used by many narcissists, but covert narcissists take it to a different level. Instead of being overt and aggressive, they’ll gaslight in subtle ways that can make their victims question their sanity.
- How They Do It: Covert narcissists will gently suggest that their victim is overreacting or misremembering events. “I don’t think that’s what I said. Are you sure you’re not imagining it?”
- Why It’s Effective: The soft delivery makes the victim feel like they may be too sensitive or paranoid. This self-doubt gives the narcissist power without needing to be aggressive.
Because it’s done quietly and subtly, people often don’t realize they’re being gaslit until it’s too late.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Passive aggressiveness is a hallmark of covert narcissism. Rather than confronting issues directly, covert narcissists will express their frustration through indirect actions, leaving others feeling frustrated and confused.
Some examples of passive-aggressive behavior include:
- Procrastination: Delaying tasks or projects to punish someone without directly saying anything.
- Sarcastic Remarks: “Oh, sure, because you’re always right, right?”
- Ignoring: Rather than addressing issues, they may ignore the person they’re upset with, leaving the person to guess what went wrong.
This passive-aggressive approach is one of the most frustrating, weird things covert narcissists do because it’s hard to address something that’s never openly discussed.
Table: Comparison Between Covert and Overt Narcissists
BehaviorCovert NarcissistsOvert Narcissists
Need for Validation: Subtle, indirect, Open, direct
Emotional Manipulation Passive, through guilt-tripping or playing the victim Aggressive, through control or domination
Dealing with Criticism Internalizes and sulks Reacts aggressively, with rage.
Public Persona: Humble, self-effacing, Confident, attention-seeking
Handling Conflicts Silent treatment or passive-aggressiveness Loud, confrontational
This comparison highlights the stark differences in how covert and overt narcissists behave, though both share the same core personality traits.
Making Everything About Themselves (Quietly)
Covert narcissists have an uncanny ability to make every situation about themselves, but they do so quietly. For example, during a conversation, they may bring up something trivial from their own life and draw comparisons to the topic being discussed.
- Subtle Hijacking of Conversations: They’ll listen for a while but always steer the conversation back to their own experiences.
- Feigning Interest: They may pretend to be interested in others’ lives but will ultimately shift the focus to their achievements or struggles.
This behavior can be incredibly disheartening for those who genuinely care for the narcissist, as they often feel unheard or unimportant.
Seeking Sympathy Through Victimhood
A covert narcissist loves to position themselves as the victim, no matter the situation. Whether at work, in relationships, or within a group of friends, they have a unique way of making others feel sorry for them without ever overtly asking for sympathy.
- Common Victim Statements:
- “I just can’t seem to catch a break.”
- “Everyone’s always against me.”
Even when they’re causing harm, they’ll twist the situation so that others start to pity them. It’s one of the most perplexing and weird things covert narcissists do because they manage to stay in control while appearing helpless.
Conclusion: Spotting the Subtle Signs
Dealing with a covert narcissist can be confusing because their behavior is often subtle and underhanded. While they don’t exhibit the loud, attention-seeking traits of overt narcissists, they’re just as manipulative and controlling in their way. From gaslighting with a gentle touch to playing the victim and giving backhanded compliments, the weird things covert narcissists do can take an emotional toll on those around them.
Recognizing these behaviors is the first step toward protecting yourself from their influence. By understanding their tactics, you can regain control of your emotional well-being and set boundaries that protect you from their manipulative tendencies.
